101 stories from the therapy room

(A non-clinical approach to psychotherapy and counselling)

Unveiling the Fear of Intimacy: A Journey to Connection

In the realm of modern dating apps, a male client of mine grappled with a recurring dilemma. Every potential connection with a woman triggered a cascade of internal inquiries.

“What will happen in this relationship?”

“Will she get close to me?”

“What if she gets closer to me when I am only looking for a causal relationship –  will  that disappoint her?”

“Am I not misleading or betraying her?”

This series of doubts prompted a retreat from budding relationships. After some days  he starts feeling lonely and again craving for a relationship starts.  This  repetitive pattern of push and pull in relationships was the clients  struggle.

As a therapist my reflection was that the fear that the other person may become close has a procedure to it and unfolds in distinct stages. Let’s break down these stages:

1. The client experiences a need or longing.
2. He actively seeks a connection.
3. Contact is made, and a sense of closeness begins.
4. Internal questions arise, triggering doubt.
5. A defensive shutdown mechanism is activated.
6. The client withdraws, leaving the potential connection hanging.

As part of the therapeutic process, I proposed a strategic intervention. I encouraged the client to intercept these internal questions at their onset by reframing them, placing the self at the center.

What will happen to me in this relationship? 

“Will I get close to her?”

“What if I get closer to her and she is only looking for a causal relationship –  will  that disappoint me?”

“Am I not being misled or betrayed by  her?”

This straightforward adjustment prompted a notable shift in the client’s perspective on his relationship habits and dynamics.

By prompting the client to place himself in the narrative, I was able to bring to the client’s notice his reluctance to admit his own yearning for intimacy. The questions shifted focus from the other person to his own desires. The need to feel close makes the  client feel dependent  which is scary. This is experienced as, “ what if I get betrayed.”  When he placed himself in the center, his perspectives shifted to : 

• I am scared of becoming close but feel others will come close
• I am longing for intimacy but in denial of this longing.

The  theme is, the client  is not owning the need to feel close and his need for intimacy.  The shift in perception automatically led him to say   “I’m open to starting a relationship, and if it deepens, I’m willing to commit.” This was an indication the client is willing to engage, get close, feel intimate   and stay longer  than  run away. His declaration indicates a departure from habitual withdrawal and an openness to explore lasting connections.

As humans we are creatures of processes and procedures. These procedures were formed for a reason and later they became habits. Once we form a  habit we forget the procedure involved. When the procedures of the habit are decoded in the session the client gains capacity to re-code those procedures with new options.

In this session the  client unraveled the steps of his relational dance. I was able to shed light on the potential for new approaches, transforming the arena of intimacy from a stage of fear into one of exploration and connection.