101 stories from the therapy room

(A non-clinical approach to psychotherapy and counselling)

“I am not able to connect with my mother. My father did not support me when I was going through my divorce. My father and mother were not available for me”. I heard this from a 36 year old woman who approached me for a session. She said she needed to deal with the anger towards her parents by expressing it to them. Her thought was that if her parents could understand her anger she would be able to develop a sense of belonging in the family. She wanted to find a resolution to the struggle she was having with her parents where she was neither able to connect nor go no contact with them. She asked me if  I could moderate such a conversation with her parents.   

I decided to have a one on one personal session with the woman before I agreed to moderate. In that session as she shared that her parents were not available for her, the client discovered  that this was a loss for her as a child. A loss creates sadness. She was angry and sad at the same time. But she  was scared to feel her sadness because she believed – “if I feel sad, it will make me weak”. Many of us are unaware of our full range of emotions, or are scared to be in contact with them. Since we do not know or are scared, we are more focused on the familiar/known emotions like anger. As a part of the therapeutic journey, the client can learn to become aware of and decode the wisdom present in the emotions.  

Also, the client’s anger was a familiar feeling and it was making her blind to the sadness. As part of therapeutic work, the client needed to feel both the emotions – anger and sadness. Her anger carries longing and frustration arising from her unmet needs. The sadness carries the loss of contact (created by the anger) with the parental source. Both emotions serve a purpose and both need equal attention. When equal attention is given to the mixed emotions, the client gains balance. 

The first task I gave the client was to watch the animated movie “Inside Out” to gain some understanding and importance of being in touch with sadness. This helped her normalize feeling sad. We also acknowledged the grief the client is going through due to the loss of contact and affection from her parents. When the client acknowledged the grief, I felt like her anger softened a little. 

We were ready to go to the next step. The client then asked her parents and they were ready to come for a joint session. The client felt enthusiastic and  relieved that her parents agreed to come along with her for a session. 

However, I was tentative about how the joint session with her parents would pan out because of the client’s need that her parents “should” understand her. I was concerned whether her parents will understand her and if they don’t what would the client’s reaction be. What would the parents go through listening  to what their child, now a grownup woman, was going to express in the session? I was not sure….. 

Do the parents know what they have agreed to and what is in store for them in the session – I wondered. 

On the agreed day when the daughter (client), the father and the mother sat in the therapy room, in front of me ….what do you think  happened?

Did the trio work through their issues in  therapy? 

Stay tuned for the next article!