101 stories from the therapy room

(A non-clinical approach to psychotherapy and counselling)

A 26 year old client ended an abusive relationship but was also struggling with the guilt of having left her partner alone. She was questioning herself “why did I get into this relationship? Why did I stay in this relationship which was so toxic?” and she wondered how she was able to get out of it. She also had other questions – if she had stayed longer would the relationship have improved? It seemed like the entire time she was in this relationship was a time of confusion for her. We decided to explore her questions through a process called relationship timeline. 

The procedure is for the client to visualize the entire period of the relationship timeline as a straight line on the floor. The client has to then enter the timeline saying an entry sentence and has to walk through the timeline narrating what comes to her mind and also say something while she exits the relationship timeline. This idea came to me when I was listening to her talk about being stuck post breakup and I felt like she could not move, so I thought some movement during the session would help.

The client agreed to do this process.

The client’s entry statement was, “Hey, this boy will take care of me and love me.” As she walked along the timeline her words were, “He gives me a lot of attention but does not let me make my own choices. When I talk to other boys, he becomes violent.” She continued to walk in the relationship timeline and said, “He becomes obsessive, feels insecure, is violent and chokes my neck when he is angry”.  As she neared the end of the relationship timeline her exit sentence was, “I am not a bad person for coming out of this relationship.”

This exit sentence gave an understanding of the reason for her guilt. She gave a lot of significance to loyalty in a relationship.  She had been close to the boy’s mother. While the relationship with the partner was in a tempestuous state, the boy’s mother had said to the client, “you are the only girl who can take care and change my boy and I trust you the most to take care of my son.” These words from the boy’s mother made her stay in the abusive relationship to an extent that became intolerable for her. When she made the exit statement saying, “I am not a bad person for stepping out of the relationship.”, it was a great relief for her.

Once she was able to feel the relief by doing the timeline walk, I shared my observation – “While you were walking in the relationship timeline all your focus was on your feet as though you were walking on a dangerous pathway. You focused so much on each step while in the relationship that you may have lost contact with the outside world.” The client said, “That was exactly my state of mind. I was scared that he would become violent, and I was totally frozen to an extent that I lost contact with my friends and my family.” I asked her if she would like to walk on the timeline again with this awareness. She agreed and her entry statement was, “I thought this boy would take care of me but he was suffocating me and I lost contact with the world. I am happy I left at least now”.  Her exit statement was, “Taking care of myself is good and not a bad thing”.

Her questions to herself – “Why did I get into this relationship? What happened to me and why did I come out of” – were now answered after she did the timeline walk.