Stories From The Therapy Room

(A non-clinical approach to psychotherapy and counselling)

A married client of age 38 was thinking about having a child. The client and his wife felt they would like to have some more time for themselves to travel the world so they were not in a hurry. However, the client was also wondering whether his wife was on the same page as him – whether she also wanted to have a child at some point in the future? He said he was thinking about other options as well – to look for a community to be a part of so that they may be able to foster or adopt.

Since there were multiple options and questions coming up for the client, I asked him to arrange these ideas like a layered pastry.

Do I want to have a child?

As a couple, are we ready to have a child?

Should we adopt or foster children from a community in need?

How do we manage our parents’ expectations and wishes to have grandchildren?

Payers in temple inviting a soul through the parent?

My inner child also wants time for himself to be in contact with my adult self.

When we listed the client’s thoughts and questions into multiple layers, while the complexity was not minimized, the search for answers got organized. Since having a child is not an individual decision and involves his wife as well, it also demands a shared reflection from the couple.

However, while the client was talking about all these requirements regarding having a child, I sensed that the client’s inner child was also trying to say something to the grownup self. When I brought this intuition of mine for discussion the client said, “Yes. The little guy in me saying that he wants to go around the world, he wants to explore, he wants to go on treks.” The client said he is avoiding this inner self of his – he is not paying attention or listening to that part of him because that part of him has a lot of expectations.

I asked him what would happen if he listened to this little guy. And also asked him to locate his inner child in his body. The client kept his hand on his abdomen and said, “He rests here.” So, I asked him to keep his hand there and just sit like that for a few minutes and be in contact with himself. After a few moments, the client said he started feeling relaxed and peaceful.

We arrived at the conclusion that wanting or having a child does not mean that he would have to lose contact with himself. He could still listen to the little guy within himself and translate his needs and wants into realities. He also decided to have a conversation with his wife to make a shared and mutual decision about having a child. 

In the beginning of this session, the client was not aware that he was losing contact with his inner child in the process of trying to make a decision about having a child to grow his family. By organizing his thoughts like a layered pastry, he was able to settle his confusion, a clarity emerged and needs that he had which were being ignored and denied became visible.

The client understood that he need not struggle alone.  The discussion and decision about a child needs to be a shared reality between him and his partner.