Two Faces of Change

A young couple came for counselling with the wife showing symptoms of depression. The husband was to leave abroad soon for two years and the couple seemed happy at this change in their life situation. Even though it was their dream come true, yet the wife appeared depressed. How is it that an expected happy change could make a person depressed…….

Change is inevitable. We all know this. Two people facing the same situation respond to the same situational change differently, because change affects every individual according to their frame of reference.

In the couple’s life, the expectation had been that both of them will go abroad together. But due to a technical problem the wife could not travel along with the husband. Till his return she had to stay with his parents. In a way his promotion and stint abroad, was their dream come true. The wife started feeling insecure and lonely with the thought of having to stay alone without her husband by her side. She experienced sadness knowing that she will be missing him, but could not talk to him about it. He seemed to be too excited about the new position and experience abroad and unaware of what she was going through. She was not able to show him her sadness at staying behind. The belief she had was that since he is going on promotion it was an occasion to be celebrated and not seen as an occasion to express her sadness. Due to this she neglected her feelings of sadness and insecurity. The more she tried to suppress, the feelings overwhelmed her leading to depression. She was not aware of the reason and could see no connection between her feeling depressed and the change in her life situation.

How do we cope in a situation of change when one person is excited and other experiences a loss. Change has two dimensions – forward change and acceptance change. While for one person it is a forward change, for the other it is an acceptance change. What I mean by forward change is the situation where a person is looking forward for something new. Their way of coping with this change will be preparing themselves to meet a new world with curiosity, excitement and enthusiasm. For the other person, the change is acceptance change and their experience is a parting experience. They may encounter a vacuum when other person leaves and may experience sadness or insecurity.

What will make it easy to cope with this change situation among partners is to become aware of the difference between forward change and acceptance change. Both the people have to learn to validate and respect the feelings of the other person. The forward change person has to understand the parting loneliness of the acceptance change individual. Listen to the feelings of separation and mourning of the partner, which is natural. Understand that in the happiness and celebration, the other person can feel insecure and left out. Similarly the acceptance change person can understand the thrill of the forward change person and can feel a part of the preparation for change. In this way both can handle change. The acceptance change person can also list what they would like to do in the separation period and focus on it. This will create an excitement and add strength to experience and face separation. In this way change can be made meaningful.