Relationships

What is the definition of relationship?

For me a relationship is when two are more people share their boundaries, with the mutual and voluntary exchange of energy at the physiological and psychological level. People whom we don’t allow into our boundaries do not share a relationship with us and are strangers.

To have a healthy relationship it is important to protect our boundaries and respect the boundaries of others. If you think your communication will intrude the self defined boundary of others, it is necessary to take the permission of others. For example, when your child scores low marks, instead of shouting or criticising them for their poor performance , take permission to talk about the exam results at a mutual convenient time. Then share how you feel about the results and what you expect from your child. This is applicable in any relationship and this is a way to respect others’ boundaries. When we let people invade our boundaries and hurt us then it is ‘abuse’

A popular Jewish proverb says “Be aware of what you are getting used to”.

A client of mine, who was a working woman had an alcoholic husband. He would steal her jewels regularly for his alcohol. Once he sold her vehicle without her permission. This woman did not protect her boundary and allowed her husband to abuse her. Such abuses are obvious. Verbal abuses using filthy language, emotional and physical abuses are not so obvious. These are boundary invasions and many people tolerate such abuses. There are some people who think this is part of love and console themselves saying “the hand which beats is the one which loves”. There are other people who live with the motto “I will show you how much I love you even it hurts me”. Still others live in the hope, ‘ my love will change you one day and then life will be a bed of roses’.

Some people make some effort to tighten their boundaries to put a full stop to such abuses. They sustain firmly for a while. Soon, with passage of time they forget the abuse and start recollecting the good times. They get back to the same or similar relationship and get stuck in the vicious circle of being abused again. A boy liked to play with a stray cat. The cat would play with him for a while and then suddenly scratch him . The boy would back away from the cat for a while but after a few days he would play again and end up getting hurt. A wise man watching this asked the boy, “why do you go back to play with the cat?’. The boy replied, “ I was told “to forgive the one who hurts me” so I forgive the cat and play again. The wise man said “forgive but remember”………

We need to ‘remember’ to protect ourselves and secure our boundary. If we want others to treat us with respect then we need to define our boundary and respect it . Only when we respect our boundary and others’ boundary there can be a meaningful and healthy relationship.

Generally, there are two extreme types of boundaries that people maintain – a rigid boundary or a lax boundary.

People with rigid boundary do not find it easy to become intimate with others. They are suspicious and do not trust others so easily. Such people may have friends and relationships, but the other person does not feel a sense of belonging to them. These people find it difficult to show or share their emotions and may appear quite rigid and emotionless. However the unexpressed emotions can get stored up body and can cause various physical illnesses.

People having lax boundary are like door mats and let others take advantage of them. They let others walk in and out of their lives and many times watch helplessly as others mess up their life. The difficulty for lax boundary people is the belief that they need to take care of others even when if it hurts them. A client of mine had been repaying all the her husband’s debt. She could not control his borrowing tendencies. During therapy she realized her boundary was lax and that she lacked the assertiveness to say “no” at appropriate situations. Next time when the husband was about borrow a huge sum his wife was able to say an assertive ‘no’ and this lead to a temporary disharmony between them. Over a period of time the wife could speak to him and explain her difficulties when she had to repay. Slowly, the husband realized that her “no” helped him face the situation without the need to borrow money. Lax and rigid boundary can affect any relationship between two people.

Whenever a person feels a sense of discomfort, feels blocked and unable to express feeling or feels pushed/pulled into doing something against his/her will – it is at these times that one can check whether the boundary has been intruded into. At times when one does not get a desired response, the other person appears withdrawn, does not pay attention to what is being said or seems to push you away, then you have been denied entry into that person’s boundary. At such times you may have to negotiate your way in if necessary.

These are two extremes of personality and we may have a tendency to exhibit one boundary type more than the other. It is helpful to learn to strike a balance in maintaining our boundaries. Rigid boundaries needs to be loosened up a little and lax boundaries should be tightened a little more. In a healthy relationship, the loosening and tightening of boundaries are contextualised and is flexible.

In talking about healthy relationship Kahlil Gibran said “let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.” This type of relationship can be experienced when two people respect their own space, the space in between them and the boundaries that fall within that space.