Recovery, Rebirth and New Beginnings is a process of life experienced by individuals, couples, family, societies, countries etc…Receiving from Nature and Giving back to Nature has played an important in sustenance of many civilizations. Often the ability to Give and Receive has had an impact on Recovery, Rebirth and New Beginnings in the constant, still yet flowing like a river, a balance that is subtle yet obvious in its life changing nature.
How does an individual experience Giving and Receiving in his day to day life and what impact does it have on relationships? How does this impact Recovery, Rebirth and New Beginnings in Relationships? My quest has led to me in the direction of – How to create a Dynamic Harmony.
My understanding is in the attached article.
DYNAMIC HARMONY
–Geethan.A
To me, harmony is a free flow of energy. When I am can fulfil my needs without interruption (script decisions), my feelings thoughts and actions are in sync, I experience harmony. However, since my needs keep changing or evolving, sustaining this harmony over time is a dynamic process.
This process becomes even more challenging when two or more individuals get together and expect to meet their needs through each other. Every individual’s need may be different or each may have the same need but expect fulfilment from a different perspective. An example would of a couple in relationship – when under stress, both want to experience security. One partner may want to experience security by holding hands and being together at home and the other may experience security by having fun together outside home.
Under these circumstances sustaining harmony in a relationship is a real challenge. The challenge not just about sustaining, it is also about the dynamism that is involved in meeting the needs of the individuals separately and together, in an ongoing context. It is not a goal that once attained will stay forever; consistent focus is required to match the dynamism and sustain this harmony. I call this a dynamic harmony.
Working with people as a therapist, trainer and a counsellor I have often experienced a block or incongruence in their energy flow. The block is evident when the individual does not make an effort to understand his own need or the need of the other, which is the basis in sustaining harmony.
At such times I asked myself:
Is it possible to know and experience what one wants moment by moment?
Is it possible to know others needs?
If it is possible, then how does one become aware of this ?
I see sustaining harmony involves two major process, that of giving and receiving. When there is a balance in giving and receiving, an individual or group experiences harmony. . It is like breathing, an inhalation is followed by exhalation- one process cannot be more than the other for us to experience health. In relationship giving and receiving have to be balanced to experience harmony.
When I mention giving and receiving it includes self and the other. When an individual continuously receives and in return does not pass it on or give appropriately to another the harmony is disrupted. Similarly when one keeps on giving without getting replenishment from another, the harmony is disrupted then too.
Example : The head of a family received nurturing from his wife and children in many ways. They took care to see that his needs were well taken care of. He however was too busy with his professional life to nurture his family in return. Over time his family slowly withdrew from him and finally he lost them leaving him all alone. He cannot experience harmony in such a situation.
There are others who feel a pride in giving by virtue of the role or identity they take on and feel ‘not ok’ about receiving. In a therapy group, after I had explained this concept, I heard a father say “I am not able to receive money from my daughter, since for me I have be the giver always. How can I accept from her”. He is an old man and needs her financial support to live; yet resents receiving from her. The daughter is unable to understand her father’s resentment, leading to disharmony in relationship. During the session, he realised where his discomfort came from.
Some individuals are seasoned receivers. They feel inadequate, unable to be self sustaining and hence remain in a receiver position throughout their life. I am aware of a client who at 48 years, still depends on his wife’s income.
These observations evidenced that in self and in relationships, a balance is required between being giver and a receiver. When receiving and giving are not ongoing or is fixated then the harmony is disrupted.
Even when giving and receiving is apparently happening, it can lead to disharmony as it can be disrupted in the following ways. As of now I find the following patterns in disruptions in harmony.
| Receiving | Conditional | Manipulative | Competitive | Insecure | Granted |
| Giving | Conditional | Manipulative | Competitive | Insecure | Granted |
Receiving can be conditional, manipulative, competitive, insecure and granted. Similarly Giving can be conditional, manipulative, competitive, insecure and granted.
An individual can exhibit any of the categories of giving and receiving depending on a situation and context, but may fall predominantly under one category.
When receiving / giving is Conditional it is prefixed with “If you”
Conditional receiving – I can receive only my way. Eg one client said I can feel my father’s love only when he spoon feeds me.
Conditional Giving – I will give my daughter money only if my she obeys me
When receiving / giving is Manipulative it contains “ as long as”
Manipulative receiving: I obey my dad’s advice hoping that he will give me what I want. What I want is unsaid but there is an ulterior expectation.
Manipulative giving : I will keep giving support to others so that I will receive support when I want……. again this expectation for support is not stated.
Here giving and receiving is used to control each other. This can be lead to game.
When receiving / giving is Competitive the underlying belief is ‘ I should be the only one to give’.
Competitive receiving : Only I will receive from you and I won’t allow anyone to take it from you. One of my clients competed with her daughter whenever she her husband paid attention to their daughter
Competitive Giving: I only have to do everything to my wife; she should not get any support from anyone else.
When receiving / giving is Insecure it is I know If I ask I will get but I won’t ask…
The individual experiences insecurity in giving and receiving.
Insecurity in receiving : I once asked a client of mine, “ what will happen when you get what you want to receive?”, the client replied “I will become close to other person”. She experienced insecurity in becoming close, which extended to receiving from others
Insecurity in giving:- Some individuals feel that if they give, the other will grow and they withhold giving to others.
When receiving / giving is taken for Granted
Taking for Granted in receiving :- A child complained that “my father does not care for me” . The father listed whatever he had done with the child in mind which for him was ‘taking care’. Hearing this, the child said “the things that you have listed are done by any parent. What’s the big deal?”
Taking for Granted in Giving:- Individuals who do for others automatically without being asked such people cannot say a ‘ no’. Their urge to give gets taken for granted.
Giving and receiving have to be balanced and in harmony for a relationship to sustain and grow. When the exchange happens with any of the above strings attached, there is no harmony even though the concerned individuals feel that they have balanced this process.
When there is joy in sharing or sharing is done as per one’s choice appropriate to situation, I call it conscious giving and receivin1g. A conscious giving and receiving leads to harmony between two people.
Conscious giving/ receiving implies that at any time, an individual can be in any of the two states. He/She can be either in a
A Giver state or
A Receiver state.
There are situations where an individual need not give or receive; creating therefore a third state which is the neutral state.
With the support of my adult, in any given situation I can observe if I am in the state of a giver, receiver or neutral. Knowing the state which best fulfils my needs, I avoid conflict in myself automatically leading to harmony. In the example of the father who resented taking money from his daughter, if he could accept that it was ok to be a receiver, his relationship with his daughter had chances of being harmonious. There could be other situations when he could experience being a giver, rather than feeling compelled to being giver at all times.
How does one then check if he/she is “a giver or receiver”. This awareness is essential for a person to bring a balance in relationship and experience harmony. In a relationship a mother may think she is more of a giver, and may want to receive, whereas the others may experience her as a manipulative giver. This difference in perception could lead to disharmony.
Most of an individual’s receiving or giving are either from parental modelling or from the conditionings we have experienced in childhood. The following exercise I have developed helps a person to realise their pattern in giving and receiving.
In the exercise I ask a person to see a movie of his/her parental figures. The person then sees their actions in context of the giving and receiving pattern. The third step is to check any similarity with themselves in their life as it is today. …… if the individual sees in himself the same pattern as his/her parents, then he could be stuck with outdated modes of giving and receiving. His giving and receiving is taking place at an unconscious level without any check on the current reality. This may or may not be suited to the current context.
Then I ask the clients to see a movie of their own selves. They recall the memories from birth, till date. They see, as a child how they received and how they gave. When the individual finds that he is following his childhood pattern today, there is a clue to the disruption of the dynamic harmony.
With this data I ask an individual if he/she is “a giver or receiver predominantly”. When a person says he/she is a giver…it is possible that he has not taken into account what he has received. When someone says I am receiver it is possible the he has minimised his giving.
Discount in giving and receiving happens in three areas.
- Being / presence
- Doing
- Material.
When there is an imbalance between these three areas of giving or receiving, this also leads disruption in harmony.
During one of my sessions a lady complained that her husband was not available at home. His reply was I am doing everything for her and I also work to earn money for her. Hence, according to him he was giving. But probably what she wanted to experience was his presence or his being. As long as she does not feel his presence, she could not acknowledge that he was giving. She was being a conditional receiver. Hence she would experience disharmony because she was not accounting his way of giving.
The husband on the other hand was giving, in the ‘doing’ and ‘material’ area but lacked in the area of ‘being’ …….so he was conditional giver (men have to be out at work). Not being available at home, he was also not receiving the nurturing that the family was capable of providing. He was all work, work and more work. It appears that he was afraid of intimacy and could hence be classified under ‘insecure receiver’ of nurturing from family.
Had the two of them understood, what was the meaning of giving and receiving to each other, their relationship could be harmonious. Understanding the various needs in giving and receiving and balancing them can lead to harmony and is a dynamic process.
When we travel at the deepest level of our being our identity is merged with our experiences. At such moments one is neither a giver or receiver. We are the instrument through which the giving and receiving happens in a free flow.
Knowing that we are an instrument we have a choice : either make noise by blocking the flow of energy and feel unhappy or create music and harmony in balancing the giving, receiving or neutral states.
Where there is music we have created Dynamic Harmony……………..
ABOUT GEETHAN
- Geethan is a PTSTA (P) and holds a Masters Degree in Psychology. He practices psychotherapy in Chennai, India and travels widely holding workshops for both individuals and Groups.
- Geethan started as an entrepreneur after his engineering course. His wide experience in running his business unit, taught him the importance of human development contributing to internal and external harmony.
His interest in Eastern spirituality led him in the direction of Ramakishna, Osho, Ramana Maharishi and Buddha, Inspired by these masters he started exploring the inner self, leading him to switch his career to training and psychotherapy .His integration of psychotherapy and spirituality in his workshops has impacted his own life and those individuals who have had the opportunity to attend his workshops. He has worked with leading corporate houses in India and has had a powerful impact on the employee productivity and business models.
He is trained in Transactional Analysis, NLP, Hypnotherapy, Gestalt, G Egan model of counseling and body work. He has developed his unique therapeutic models and meditation techniques and uses them successfully when dealing with his clients.
