Different approaches

A female client told me during our therapy session.

“I had a fight with my husband last night over an issue. This morning he behaves as if nothing has happened and I seem to be stuck in the issue we were discussing last night. I am feeling miserable. This happens between us regularly. I don’t know how to relate further without resolving this issue between us”.

Many of my clients have had such experiences.  Sharing some information on the difference between how men and women respond to experiences has helped my clients in understanding relational issues and I am sharing them here. 

1. A) Men think in boxes and women think in continuum. A woman experiences life as a continuum, every moment is connected. Therefore when she encounters a conflict in a relationship, a woman wants to stay and talk about it. When she is not listened to, she does not feel valued and important.  She does not experience closure and hence cannot move from one problem to another experience without the earlier one being resolved and hence feels stuck.  This affects the relationship. Contrary to this, men think in boxes. It is like they have opened one box this moment and then they have closed it the next moment. In the next moment they have opened another. 
2. B) when you share a painful experience, a woman may also share a similar experience that she has had. Her thought in sharing the experience is to convey that she understands the pain. A man will also narrate his experience in a similar situation but his focus and pride will be on how quickly he  got out of the pain. 
3. C) Men talk in general and women talk in details. When you ask a man how he feels, he may give a vague answer in general saying that there are some difficulties. He is looking for solutions and wants to be left alone till he finds a way out. Whereas, a woman will want to share in detail how she feels, what made her feel that way etc. She dwells on the experience and expects her partner to be with her and listen.

 In general men look at moving out of an experience quickly and find solutions. This is to avoid feeling vulnerable when encountering conflicts in  intimate relationships. Women, want to express their vulnerability and be understood. They want to be listened to, and given attention when they are sharing their experience.

Knowing such information helps in understanding the difference between the nature of men and women. The responses (that are the basis of complaints like the example given at the beginning) are not to be looked at as against each other, but part of the nature of being a man and a woman. 

When we are able to appreciate the natural differences between men and women, we are activating both masculine and feminine side of us. This helps us to be completely in sync with oneself by understanding how to be in sync with the other.