Being Authentic vs Being Nice

In therapy, a client once told me “I know I need to talk to my wife regarding the misunderstandings between us but I am scared that it will worsen our relationship”. Therefore he had been silent unwilling to disturb the status quo in their relationship. This struggle between being nice and being authentic in discussing irritants in a relationship may become a source of major rift in most of our relationships. We carry on being tolerant in the relationship hiding a lot of anger and resentment underneath.

We feel compelled to be nice, kind, good and loving to others even though sometimes this may cost us our happiness. When we are unhappy about each other or about an issue and cannot discuss it honestly and openly with each other, then the question arises “what is real about our relationships”?

Do we not have enough trust in our relationships to share our real feelings? Are we willing to work towards building that trust? Do we want our relationships to be nice or authentic? These are questions that are important for any lasting relationship.

Often when a partner feels hurt in a relationship, they feel scared to express it, since they are afraid of disturbing the false harmony in the relationship. Once a woman realized during therapy how much hurt, resentment and anger she had been carrying against her husband after 26 years of married life. She had been nice to him over all these years without addressing her hurt feelings. She had been denying expressing her authentic hurt and anger, but behaving as good wife and good mother at the cost of her happiness. These suppressed emotions usually create psychosomatic symptoms and she had been suffering from severe head ache for many years now. This is a regular story that I have heard from many of my clients. Sometimes the hurt and its cause is minor sometimes it is major.

When we express our feelings honestly about each other, to each other, this helps in building trust in the relationship. In expressing one’s feelings it is important to be sensitive and respectful of each other.

To make this process of expression in relationship effective follow these steps:-

• Start expressing happy feelings about each other and gradually shift to hard feelings.
• Do not express your feelings from a blaming stand as though the other person is responsible for your hurt feelings.
• Add “at this moment” along with expression of your authentic feelings and this will help the partner to receive the expression in a manageable way. For example, “I feel angry at you, at this moment; I feel let down, at this moment”. It is important not to generalize any hurt feelings to all dimensions of the relationship. Adding at this moment contains the feelings to the here and now context.

The listener also needs to be aware that this expression of hurt or anger is what the person is experiencing in this context and is not a criticism.

These authentic expressions helps you to be the real you and pave the way for a real relationship……