Brain in Love

In a session focusing on a conflict resolution between a husband and wife, the husband narrated that he does many things for his wife. He usually takes her for a drive and dinner over weekends. He added, “most days of the week, I pick her up from her office and sometimes even wait for an hour till she finishes her job”.

His wife said “I agree that he does all these things, but this is not love for me. These are what any husband does for his wife”. This is a constant disagreement between many couples. While one person thinks what he does is love, the other person thinks it is the way it should be and so what is great about it. The key to this problem lies in how our brain processes the sensory information and how this influences our perception about each other in a relationship. This is what I call the brain’s love language.

Our brain perceives reality through 5 sensory inputs that are visual, auditory, touch, smell and taste. For example if the sensory input to the brain is predominantly through eyes then that person is more attracted to visual inputs. Such people may like to see, admire paintings and like to have a map while travelling. If the auditory is the predominant channel of input to the brain then such people like to hear rather than to see things. They may like music, would like their partner to say “I love you”, “you matter to me” etc. Whichever channel functions predominantly in a person, that channel impacts his/her perception about reality as well how he/she perceives the other in a relationship. After hearing the above information, a lady participating in a couples therapy workshop said, “for 25 years I did not understand why I always felt unloved by my husband. I was expecting him to love me my way and he has been loving me his way”.

It is possible that between two people each person may have different predominant channel. In the above example, the husband may be predominantly visual. He shows his love by waiting for his wife till she finishes her work at office. But if the wife is an auditory person she may expect him to express his love verbally rather than inferring it from what he does for her.

Such information helps relating easy between couples and paves the way for a healthy relationship.

To find out which is your predominant channel with which you relate to the world and experience love, do the following:

Exercise 1

How do you know you love the other person? What do you do which shows your love for your spouse? Do you like to touch? Do you verbalise your love? Do you do things for the other person? Which sensory channel you use the most to express yourself? It is the same channel through which you would prefer to receive love.

Exercise 2

Think of an experience when you felt you were loved. Recall that experience. Which channel did your partner use most? This will give an idea about that person’s preferred channel.

Do these exercises together as a couple, and understand the predominant channel of yourself and of your spouse. This will help both of you in understanding the other and learn the brain’s language of love, to love.