Empathy may be defined as an act of kindness that demonstrates understanding and acknowledges the experience of the other person .
The validation of the other person feeling empathized could be observed through
- Change in physiology of the other person
- Getting a psychological space to share their current experience
- Resonance
- Trust to share more experience
- Willingness to engage
- Significance of empathy
We humans share our life through relationship. An act of empathy paves a meaningful exchange between people in relationship. When we take effort to understand the other persons’ experience and communicate that understanding through words, action, gesture or in any other form, it leads to a trusting relationship. When there is a healthy relationship discomforts experienced in relationship due to circumstances can be managed effectively with the mutual and respectful support to each other. When we empathize with the other, we gain insights in practicing ethics, and fairness in treating other human as a human being.
- Empathy – A contamination
Sometime a worship is made out of empathy. I saw a slogan in a magazine, “I resolve to be empathetic in all my relationships.” These can become a dogma about empathy. In my perception, even in the field of counseling empathy is spoken so much without understanding what makes the client feel understood. One of my teacher who taught me empathy used to tell the client, “the issues you mention is deeper in your unconscious mind than what you think”. I used to wonder how it would be for the client to hear such a statement like this from a counselor.
I have sometimes generalized my client’s issues thinking that I am normalizing. I am not sure whether what I did thinking I am empathizing was empathizing for the client. It will be a contaminated view if someone claims that they are or were empathetic. Though empathy is a skill and one can gain expertise in it, the appropriateness of the usage can only be defined context by context.
- Facets of empathy
Empathy is a communication process. Communication happens in many levels and some of which we are aware of and some of it we are not aware of. In one level of communication, I may be demonstrating and communicating empathy but in the other layer of communication I may be dismissing the other person’s experience. Such incongruence may lead to confusion for the other. Empathy can be carried at two levels,
- Demonstration level
- Being level.
Being level means a sense of , “You are ok and you are accepted in my eyes and I am willing learn along with you to understand you.” In the demonstration level, it is an ability to articulate, to show or to reach the other with the professional expertise to make them feel, “ The listener ( the counselor)is understanding my experience.”
I have empathized with client because I was told that the first stage of counseling is to demonstrate empathy. Demonstration level can be learnt, but being level empathy starts with self-acceptance and a compassionate view towards the other. In the demonstration level we may choose to show empathy or not and it is based on the context but at the being level we humans need to be aware that we are born with and always have the potential be empathetic. In the being level we need not develop empathy we just need to be aware that we are human beings and we are dealing with the same kind.
- Limitations using empathy
In some context we need not want demonstration of empathy from the other. When one is not ready or not wanting to be understood and someone makes an effort to demonstrate understanding, it may lead to a rupture in relationship. . In such situations any effort to demonstrate understanding can be felt as an intrusion. Hence it is important to empathize in resonance with the other.
- Empathy as a part of counseling skills
Empathy is a combination paraphrasing , matching perception and sharing how the other feels about self, self in relationship and situations. Empathy can be demonstrated using the following
- Images
- Emotion
- Selective understanding
- Advanced Empathy
- Metaphors
Images : I told a client, “When ever you talk about your childhood, I get an image of a girl standing by the fence and watching other children playing.” The client felt they same way, that she could never be a part of other children’s play and the same continues even as grown up.
Emotion: Here ability to name the emotion plays a vital role. When the naming of emotions match then the client feels that the counselor understands what they are going through in the emotional level. Example, A 40 year old man says he is upset when ever his wife stays in her mother’s home for longer time. When I stated the possibility of his feeling insecurity and fear of being abandoned he felt, that is what he was going through.
Sometimes I have never been able to pickup the feeling of guilt as it was a blind spot for a long time in my consciousness.
Selective understanding:- The client may share a story about self. Their narratives tell a lot about what they are going through and we may not be able to attune to every thing. The counselor can selectively respond to certain part of the story and align priority of understanding as per the clients’ requirement. Example when the client is stating about the exam fear, there are many parts like, the result, how others perceive, emotions and many more ingredients. As a counselor I may want to respond to understanding of emotions, this is an example of selective understanding. However the counselor needs to be aware that what the counselor chooses, may not be the opening door for the client to be felt understood. It is the clients’ need and context that tells the counselor what facet or the intensity of empathetic understanding required.
Advanced empathy: Is ability of the counselor to pickup the emotion what the client is not conscious of. Example, A wife was sharing her anger towards the husband, the counselor brought to her notice that she is feeling hurt. The client was in touch with the anger but not in touch with the hurt or sadness of not being understood by her husband, reinforced by early childhood memory of not being understood by her parents.
Metaphors: – sometimes stating metaphors or stories also has helped the client to feel understood.
There is no single formula to demonstrate empathy. It is the intention to understand the other and walking along with the other/client that the empathized response can be firmed up. The other pointers when using empathy with the clients are :
- To state or not to state the emotion:-
When does the counselor state emotion of the client and when to ask question so that the client themselves get in tough with their emotions. Example when a client talks up being not respected properly by her family members. The counselor may ask a question, how do you feel when the family members do not show respect? Or what are your emotions when the family members do not show respect. Sometimes the client themselves will get in touch with the emotion and even feel grateful towards the counselor for asking a relevant question. In one such situation of family members not respecting, I was expecting the client would say, “I am feeling anger” but the client stated, “I am feeling lonely.” This gave a different direction to the counseling session.
- Cadence:
The counselor may use a particular tone of voice to demonstrate empathy. It is good to notice and see why one uses this tone of voice.
- Compassionate eye contact:
An eye contact with the client, communicating that the counselor is willing to understand can make difference for the client to open up
- Patience:
This is important and sometimes the counselor may be in a hurry or not in sync with the client narratives. This can also be dismissing the client experience. Hence patience to be with the pace of the client plays a vital role in understanding the client.
- Mirroring:
When the counselor demonstrates the understanding of the client they feel mirrored and to see themselves through the eyes of the other.
Exercises to learn empathy
- Belief\Perception
- Experience
- Behavior
- Emotion
- Relational expectation
Differentiate and identify these from the narratives
- Sita is a college going girl. She is not able to finish the task on time. She keeps postponing the work and feels angry with herself. She keeps watching TV or spends time in social media but does not finish the work on hand.
- Kiran is a sports man, He is confident about his skills but once he sees the audience in the play ground he becomes nervous. He questions himself and starts thinking how others will perceive him if he does not play well. This thought leads to the fear that he may not live up to his coach’s expectation. He looses confidence and eventually looses in the match.
- Ram was addicted to alcohol. He has quit drinking for a while but now he feels tempted again. His school mates are inviting him for a get together and he knows that he may drink if he goes to the gathering. He wants to avoid going to the party but feels a need to meet the old friends.
Empathy Exercise :
Form a group of 3:
- One person states the problem and other demonstrates empathy. The observer shares a 3rd eye perspective to the empathy exchange.
- Similar setting as above:-Show empathy only using facial expression
- Mime an experience and have other person watch and reenact the experience
- Share an experience of comfort through finger dialogue and have the other express empathy through the finger dialogue
- Pick up the emotion and the belief from the narratives the client. The client shares an experience of comfort and an experience of discomfort.
You feel …………………because ………………….
