101 stories from the therapy room

(A non-clinical approach to psychotherapy and counselling)

The story is simple: A princess is wooed by a frog, who asks for a kiss . First recoiling in horror, the maiden eventually relents, out of sympathy or kindness, and kisses the frog. The frog then transforms into a handsome prince. The Prince and the Princess are married, and live happily ever after.

This story has a lot of wisdom and a metaphor to relate to oneself. The frog represents certain sensations and emotions we are averse to. These experiences represent parts of us we disown, but when we embrace these parts with kindness, they transform to get integrated with the self.

Here is a client experience similar to the story of the Princess and the Frog.

My client had a preconceived notion about how others must perceive him and his family. He wanted everyone to regard him and his family with high respect. He had formed this idea at a very young age and it was still a dominant idea in his mind at the age of 36. This need to be perceived in a certain way by others also put a lot of pressure on him and his family which resulted in a lot of arguments and disharmony within the family.  

Therapist reflection:

There must be a reason why this image of respect is so important for the client. The client had a story for that …

When he was a young boy he witnessed the people of his village disrespecting his father which was a very painful experience for him. His grandfather was well-respected and held a high position at a government organisation and was very wealthy. In the client’s eyes, compared to his grandfather, his father was not as great a man. He also witnessed that many of his relatives used to bully his father and never paid him any consideration during family discussion or while making important decisions.  The client was enrolled in a school which catered to students from very affluent families. Having come from a village, being among kids from a different background, the client felt low and weak. These experiences had an impact on his self esteem.

The client decided that he would never be like his father. He worked hard and from a small village, he moved to a metropolitan city to start his career and moved to the UK and then to Australia. Now he has a high level position in a corporate company, bought his own luxurious car, a big, grand house and lives life king size. He grew and gathered wealth and respect to compensate for the image he had of himself and his father which was derived from how his father was regarded by others. 

However, the success the client had created for himself seemed to have an unexpected consequence of him not being able to own or feel joy about everything he had achieved. I asked the client how he feels about being an achiever now? He said, “I have made a respectable name for myself now but I am not feeling  happy.”. I chose a phrase from the sentence he said “respectable name” and asked him to stay with these words for a while. He started to feel a beautiful  energy flow  through his body – he felt relaxed and happy.

My observation was that even though he felt happy about his achievement there was also an urge to stop feeling and get out of that happiness and do more.

When we explored this urge to stop feeling happy and celebrating his success, the client realised it festered from his childhood psychological wounds of witnessing and experiencing insults. This wound was also the motivation for him to achieve and now, no matter how much success he achieved, his successes were a reminder of his childhood experiences. So,  these achievements had not healed his psychological wound.

Based on the awareness that his successes will not be able to heal his childhood psychological wounds, we agreed to work on how he can learn to stay with the happiness as well as the feeling of being hurt. The need to jump out of feeling hurt was also leading to his inability to stay in contact with the happiness he derives from his achievements. 

When the client asked me about the connection I made between being able to feel hurt and being able to feel happiness, I shared the story of the frog and princess with him. 

The client listening to the story was initially sceptical but was also willing to explore the possibility of kissing his wounds. 

Reflections:

When we don’t want to feel certain emotions or avoid certain experiences, we fight with our own self. When we learn not to judge ourselves for having such emotions, to be compassionate with our own selves, then those parts transform into princes/princesses.