101 stories from the therapy room

(A non-clinical approach to psychotherapy and counselling)

A 40 year old client had decided to go in for a divorce after he and his partner had mutually discussed their relationship and had agreed to separate. However, post the divorce he often spoke about his loneliness during our sessions. He would plan to meet his friends, go for dinners, so that he doesn’t have to sit by himself at home. He shared that at times his impulse was to find someone to get married to immediately or rekindle his relationship with his ex-wife to not feel this loneliness.

The client admitted that the idea of getting married is not practical, as the divorce itself was to experience some freedom. He used to feel suffocated in his marriage due to the compulsion of constant engagement and too much responsibility. He chose divorce to free himself from such commitments. Though he had the freedom he wished for now, why was he feeling lonely?

We hypothesized there could be grief because of the breakup of his marriage but since it was the client who made the choice to get a divorce, he was not able to acknowledge and come to terms with the grief. Since he was going in circles on how to overcome his loneliness by engaging with people – with friends, a new marriage or working on his previous marriage – I gave a different interpretation to the client about his grief.  The grief was not just about losing his wife but also the loss he feels of not being able to soothe his partner. Even though he was feeling suffocated in the relationship, he had the capacity to provide comfort to others and soothe them in their time of distress. I told him, “you miss having someone to take care of, someone to show your love towards.” When the client heard this, he said “BINGO! That is exactly how I feel inside.” He continued, “I have no one to care for and there is one to receive my love. I want to be able to share an experience with someone who feels comfortable in my presence.” He explained this using a metaphor “Imagine, I have opened a spa where people can get the right kind of warmth and emotional support they need but no one is coming to that spa”. This made it clear that the grief was not about losing the relationship but missing having a person he can show his love towards.

I realized that this understanding was just the tip of the iceberg. My intuition said that there was something more. So, I asked him, “Have you received such care and love from others?” He said, “No!”

The client was trying to give to others what he did not receive in the first place.

The client recalled his childhood – his parents used to beat him and punish him severely if he did anything that they considered wrong. He wished for comfort and soothing words and hugs of consolation, but he never got those. The grief was not just from not having someone to care about but also not having someone who can care about him in return. Attuning to the grief of not having anyone to care about him, opened an opportunity for the client to understand the significance of his need to give love. The awareness that the client did not receive such care when he was younger, made him aware that wanting someone to care about now went hand-in-hand with his needs to also receive love.

The suffocation he felt from feeling too much responsibility to care for and love someone had become a kind of contamination in his mind. Identifying that he had the need to be loved opened up the possibility for him to learn how to receive it.

After consciously taking the time to understand how to give and receive love, the client told me that he is able to approach relationships with a balanced understanding of it. More importantly, receiving care and love helped him feel connected with others and not feel lonely.