101 stories from the therapy room

(A non-clinical approach to psychotherapy and counselling)

A 40 year old, married client of mine had taken the decision, along with her husband, to not have kids. However, she had recently felt a kind of frustration and irritation when she had met her neighbours’s kids or even her relatives’ kids.  This made her question whether her choice to not have kids was the right decision. She knew that she enjoyed the freedom of not having kids but her inner turmoil was impacting her relationship with her husband and extended family members. 

We agreed to focus on the grief of not having a child but I did not know where to start. The difficulty was that her struggle wasn’t just about not having a child but also about the fact that she had made the decision to not have a child. This was a unique loss. I asked the client to be curious about her internal confusion. After thinking for a while she said. “I am a healthy person and my husband is a warm and friendly guy and our child would have had a good environment growing up with us.” 

It seemed to me like the client had a deep longing to have a child which was clashing with her having made the decision to not have a child. Taking into consideration that the client’s loss comes from a choice she made, I thought maybe I could give a different narrative to her reactions of irritation when she sees kids, which now I recognised as envy.

I said, “You made a clear decision to not have a child because your husband does not want one and you also felt that you would enjoy the freedom that comes with this decision. This was a rational decision but what is your body telling you?” I told her that maybe the biology of her body is sending her a message which is different to the conscious decision she made to not have a child, which is manifesting as envy. Maybe her body is readying itself to have a child – sometimes the body is able to pick up on her innate needs before her mind. When I said this she felt relieved and said, “I thought I was a bad person because I felt envious about others having children. Now I realise maybe my body is ready to have a child even though I made a choice not to have a child.”

This insight settled the judgement she had placed on herself and sparked a new thought in her – she said, “I think I should listen to my body”. Since it was related to her having a child – I asked her about her thoughts and feelings during her menstrual cycle. She said she usually feels depressed and anxious. She has thoughts about how unfair life has been to her. However, she contradicted the comment about life being unfair by saying that she had a good career, she had the freedom to travel and enjoyed the moments she spent by herself as well as with her husband. She said she felt blessed and that was enough. As she said that she placed her right hand on her chest and patted herself in a soothing gesture. She may not have been conscious of this action but it seemed like a very significant thing to me. I made her aware of this gesture and asked her to continue doing it, but this time more consciously. She felt relaxed and comforted by this and said maybe she can comfort herself like this the next time she encounters children or is going through mood swings because of her cycles. Then she placed her left hand over her right and continued the gentle stroke in a comforting manner. Both her hands, one on top of the other over her heart was a beautiful moment where she was giving herself nurturing love. Her inner turmoil settled a bit after she found a natural way to soothe and comfort herself.

Even though we began the session to address the grief of not having a child, what she actually needed was to feel nurtured and comforted while she was experiencing the loss. Listening to what the body was asking of her, she was able to get the answer from her body itself.

Conclusion:

We all have heard people talking about body language and attach different meanings to different body movements. I would like to add my thoughts to the concept of body language and say that sometimes it is not necessary to notice the body language, instead is it necessary to learn the language of the body. When we listen to the language of the body we get answers from the wisdom that the body carries.