Love is our responsibility
As human beings our basic need is to experience being loved. Our deep desire is not only to experience love, but to experience being loved in our own unique way. The irony is that we expect the other person to know how we want to be loved. We often hear people saying, “if he/she loves me, he would do this or understand this. He/she would know what I like” etc. Often we challenge the others saying, “if you love me you would ……………”
We shift the responsibility of fulfilling our needs to the others without sharing with the other person our unique expectations and how we expect them to act. We expect the other to know exactly what we want “if he truly loved me he should know !!!!!”. Quite often we ourselves do not know how we want to experience love, or how should the other demonstrate the love and care he/she has for us? Also, how much ever the person demonstrates their love and care it may not reach us since they may be showing love in their way and not in our way. Over a period of time we lose faith in our relationship, experience anger towards the other, feel frustrated, lonely ..
Soon, we show our hurt to our loved ones by hurting them with words and gestures. These further widen the gap in relationship and sometimes lead to a permanent drift in relationship. This affects our rhythm of life
A seeker went to a Zen master to learn to love. The master agreed and told him to go away for 7 years and love a stone. After 7 years the disciple returned and told the master that he had now achieved pure love for the stone. The master sent him off to love a tree for next 7 years. This disciple did, and returned after 7 years to report his love for the tree. The master sent him off to love a mountain for next 7 years, and the disciple returned after his 7 years to tell off his love for the mountain. “Now”, said the master, ‘you may be ready to love another person”.
It takes time to understand the process of love and we need to develop patience to experience love. In order to evolve through love, complete the following sentences. If you have a friend or a partner ask them also to complete the sentences
If you love me you will _______________________
I know I love you because _________________________
Let as many answers as it occurs to you evolve
Most of us are scared to do such process due to many fears. Yet, the responsibility for experiencing love can only be our own…….
The second step is …….. let’s take this first step in becoming aware of what we want……
The exercise is meant to make us aware of the beliefs and meanings that we have attached to the word “love”. These beliefs and meanings attached to the word “love” has a unique significance for each one of us. For example, a woman believed, “ If my husband loves me, he should spend his free time only with me and my children”. She felt angry when ever her husband went out on his own . A closer look showed that the meaning she constructed at such times was, “ If I am important to him ( if he loves me ), he will be with me ”. Therefore the conclusion based on one of her meaning for love is that “he does not love me”.
Once Mulla Nasurudin received a letter from his lover .She had written that she missed him a lot and wanted to meet him immediately.
Mulla Nassrudin replied, “I love you so much that when you want to meet me, nothing can stop me, I will cross the ocean and mountains. I will fly like a bird and travel along lighting. I will make clouds and thunder a vehicle for me to travel” and so on and on. The letter ended stating, “today it is raining and I will come tomorrow”.
Before we read the end, it appears that Mulla is madly in love with the woman and would go immediately to meet her. However, Mulla Nasiruddin’s meaning of love did not warrant risking the rain for her.
It is very important that we understand the meaning a word or an action has for us and what meaning it has for the other person, especially words or action that hurt us. Quite often the meaning construction for a word is radically different for two different people. It has been my experience that even seemingly simple words carry different meanings for different individuals. We expect our meanings to match with our partner, which may not happen all the time. At such times, we feel hurt and sad. In truth, the hurt is caused by the meaning we construct. It is our responsibility to understand this difference and if necessary clarify the meaning with the other person so that we do not hold him/her responsible for our hurt at such times. Not clarifying and holding on to the hurt could affect our rhythm in life.
Most of the meaning we construct in a relationship ultimately boils down to being loved or not being loved. In a relationship “love” takes many different meanings.
Among the ancient Greeks there were three names for Love : Eros, Philos, and Agape. Eros is a dependent based love: “I need you and I love you”, Philos is a security based love : “it’s safe and I love you”. Agape is the highest form of love. It is a love that is extended unconditionally and given by choice “I see you and I love you”.
It is worthwhile to check our beliefs and meaning for the word “love” against Eros, Philos and Agape.
