During one of the couples therapy session, a wife complained that her husband never comes home at the time he has committed and this was bothering her a lot. She felt unimportant and unloved when her husband did not keep up his promises, particularly his commitments regarding time. The husband strongly dismissed her thoughts and feelings of not being loved as her imagination stating that there was no doubt in his mind that he loved her. His forceful reaction created a stunned silence in the room.
Many times in a relationship what is of at most importance to one partner is of least significance to the other. In the above experience coming home on time is of maximum importance for the wife and of not much significance for the husband. This is maximisation and minimization of an experience in relationship.
When the maximisation of one partner is minimised by the other it leads to power struggle between the two, and each of them are in effect saying to the other, “When you don’t do what I want, why should I do what you want? …
The wife continued “Many times I have thought of quitting the relationship since he does not understand why coming on time is important for me”. Tears welled in her eyes, “But I love him”. This is a classic struggle which is as Ovid said “I can’t live either without you or with you”
How to resolve such an impasse?
When a person is consistently maximizing certain aspect in a relationship, we have to understand that it is only the tip of the ice berg, and there is lot more is behind the maximisation . The wife who wanted her husband to come on time narrated that her father never came on time and she missed his love and attention. From a very young age, she had visualised that she should get a life partner who would fulfil her need of coming home on time. Often in adult life for many of us , the reasons are forgotten, but the want is maximised creating unhappiness in the relationship.
Resolution is possible when the individual start exploring within, very patiently, “why is this need is very important for me. It does not seem so important for my partner”. The answers to such questions lie in the experiences of childhood and carry the secret pain of the heart with its unfulfilled wishes. Once this is known, this knowledge can be shared with the partner with whom this struggle assumed maximisation. Doing such process is not easy. It is the partner’s role is to listen with respect.. Sharing the reason for maximization and minimisation between partners needs love and compassion towards each other and often it can be painful. As Carl Jung says, “seldom or never does a marriage develop into an individual relationship smoothly without crisis. There is no birth of consciousness without pain”.
Taking time to understand the maximisation and minimisation process will help in understanding the difference between two partners and help strengthen a relationship.
