Some clients who come for therapy sessions believe that, had their parents been demonstrative of their love and care for them as children, they would be leading a much more happier life today. Other versions from clients when recalling their childhood experience include parents not spending enough time with them, parents perceived as being too controlling and not giving enough freedom to choose, parents punishing, being too rigid etc. Such narrations from clients are hurts experienced, and expressed by the child in a parent-child relationship. These narrations are about the nurturing the children have not received. On the other hand, I have also heard clients say, had my parents been strict with me I would have been more self disciplined. Some say, I was never told what rules to follow, my parents did not allow me to experience struggles of life, which would have helped me to come up on my own etc. These narrations are indicative of lack of structure. Jean Illsley Clarke and Connie Dawsons, authors of the book “Growing Up Again” found in their research that parenting needs to balance between nurture and structure.
What is Nurture? Nurture is love care and support children need for who they are. Every child has a need to hear that, “ you are lovable and I love you” unconditionally. Children develop high self esteem, when they are shown unconditional love. They need to be lovingly touched or hugged physically. However it is good to check with the child, when and how the child wants to hear such loving words. When children are asked how they want to receive love, they feel valued and respected. Once an appropriate self esteem is developed children are able to face life’s up and down and keep progressing in life. However nurture alone is not sufficient.
Children also need structure from parents. Structure means learning skills, experiencing limits, and learning to set standards. The parents need to demonstrate to the child “you can do this, you are capable, I will teach you how.”Once a 25 year old boy, narrated his experience as a child in a therapy session, “My parents did not teach me how to blow and clean my nose. I had water flowing from my nose all the time and my class mates used to tease me. I grew up thinking that something was wrong with me. For a very long time, I did not know that I could wipe and clean my nose.” Children need parents to teach them social habits to take care of themselves and align with societal norms. In forming a structure , parents teach children rules, habits, ethics and values. With appropriate structure, children are able to develop self discipline. They learn,” What I can do and how I am responsible for my actions”.
In the right combination nurture and structure help children to form appropriate self esteem and develop self discipline. I am sure most parents are doing their best in giving nurturing and forming structure for their children. However it is important that parents become conscious of their nurturing and structuring style and its impact on children. Nurturing in extreme can become an abuse and extreme structure can lead to rigidity. I will write about different styles of nurturing and structuring methods and its impact on children in the coming week…
Last week I wrote about the importance of nurture and structure in parenting. Every parent believes that he/she cares for their children and the actions they take arise out of their good intentions. However, parents are not aware that children see and experience actions of their parents and cannot perceive the intentions behind the actions. Hence some of the care and their actions can also have negative repercussions in the overall development of the child. There are 6 types of nurturing and structuring styles. In this article I will focus on two styles of nurturing care and the impact it has on children.
- ∙ Abusive
- ∙ Conditional
- ∙ Assertive
- ∙ Supportive
- ∙ Overindulgence
- ∙ Neglect
Abusive: – What constitutes abuse? Abuse can be emotional, physical and verbal. Some parents say, “I beat or scold my child for their good.” They are not aware of the negative consequences this style has on their children. I have listened to clients who irrespective how old they grow, cannot forget the hurtful words their parents used on them as children. As a reaction to this style, once a 20 year old boy who was absenting himself from classes said , “anyway my parents say I am useless, let me make it real for them” When children hear comments that belittle them and make them feel inadequate, they begin to believe that they are not important and not wanted. This belief has a great negative impact on their self esteem. Once a 22 year girl, who had come to me to work on her low self esteem said, “I am not able to accept that I am beautiful”. When as an adolescent she used to look at herself in the mirror, she would hear one of her parent taunting her with “whom are you planning to attract”?
While any form physical violence on children is an abuse, words or comments which violate and labels the children is a misuse of power and authority. This has to be totally avoided for the wellness of children.
Conditional care:- The children in this situation get care only based on satisfying certain conditions of their parents. The underlying message the children pick from their parents is, “as long as you live upto my expectations and satisfy me you will get my love”. An example is “I won’t show my love to you when you don’t listen to me” in such circumstances the child has to live up to expectations, to earn care otherwise they won’t get love from their parents. Children who grow in these circumstances do not express their needs to their parents or sometimes children learn to not have any needs of their own. These children end up pleasing others at the cost of neglecting their wants and needs. It is good when parents become conscious of what all condition for love they have laid for their children by doing the following exercise. Take time and visualize your relationship with your child. Under what circumstances you tend to withdraw support and love from your child. Explore what are your concerns in showing unconditional love towards your child. Such awareness will help in changing your parenting styles and this will make a positive difference for the child and your relationship with the child.
I shall write about the other styles of nurturing in the coming weeks.
Once I saw a couple with a child trying to board a moving train at a railway satiation. The child’s age may have been 3or 4 years. The railway police stopped the couple from getting into the train which had picked up speed and getting in would have been risky. The couple appeared frustrated and angry on missing the train. Not understanding what was happening, the child started crying. As I was watching the scene, I saw the lady started to beat the child in a wild anger in an effort to stop the child’s crying. She was shifting her frustration on the vulnerable child. Like this lady, quite often parents shift their frustration, responsibilities and other unmanageable emotions onto their children. Such actions, can affect the Child’s development. It is necessary to be sensitive to the child’s experience and be conscious of the parenting process.
In the previous week, I discussed abusive and conditional style of parenting. This week we shall discuss the next two types of parenting styles – Assertive care and Supportive care.
Assertive care – Here the priority is the Childs need. In this style the parents take time and care to attune and understand what the child wants and then give care accordingly . The style is Assertive because the parent makes a loving intrusion into the child’s space. For example, sometimes children may resist what is good for them, like not going to school, facing the teacher after making a mistake or visiting a doctor when sick etc. Parents may be firm and supportive for the child go through the perceived tough experience. However the underlying message the child gets is ,“I am with you to support you to take self responsibilities .” Parents may also share the reason on why they did certain things contrary to the expectations of the child. The control is established through dialogue and action. In assertive care the child feels that, “I am important, loved and lovable” and it paves the way for a healthy self esteem in the child. These children feel protected by their parents. In an abusive or conditional style the children feel insecure and lose their significance of self .
Supportive care:- The parent respects and trusts the child’s innate capability to take care and be responsible for themselves. Here the child is offered support and the child can choose to take it or not. An example of this is, when a parent says, “I can help you in finishing your home work. If you want you can take my support or you can do it by yourself”. In this way parents demonstrate their trust to the child. Here children feel respected and they learn to make appropriate choices. This ability to make appropriate choices helps when choosing careers, relationships etc. In supportive care the child’s individual identity is intact .Since children know that things will not be forced on them unnecessarily they freely express their wants and feelings. The assurance such children have, “when I want I can take my parents support”. This helps develop a sense of, “I am both separate and connected”. These children feel “I am not alone” and it is ok to have my own wants and needs. They also learn when to be dependent and when to be independent.
Supportive care & Assertive care is the best suited for the overall development of the child. However supportive care has to be the first choice as it develops child ability to assess and make decisions on their own. In the nextweek I will write about overindulgence and neglectful styles of parenting.
Overindulgent style : In this style parents provide facilities for the children before the children are matured enough to take it. This style of parenting is sticky and patronizing kind of care. This style promotes continuing dependence on the parent and teaches the child not to think independently. These children believe “I must be loyal to my indulging parent to get my needs met” and hence they compromise on life’s possibilities and opportunities to maintain dependency on the parent/others . Children who are brought up in this style believe they are not capable and fail to develop the required competence to face life. Even as a grown up adult these children fail to take responsibility for self and think other people are obliged to take care of them. They may learn to play a victim role to get other people’s attention, support and to reinforce dependency. What parents need to become conscious of is, “In what way I am stopping my child making a choice, doing things on their own in their pace.” This awareness will help parents in not interfering with the children’s ability to do things by themselves.
Neglectful style : In this style parents not available due to lack of time or they are overwhelmed with their personal problems and are unable to spare quality attention for the children. Neglectful parenting style is a passive abuse. These parents are not available for their children physically or emotionally. These parents are be there but not there, this means they are with children but not giving attention to the development needs of the child. As a child grows, and as a part of growth they may have questions, desires, confusions when they encounter various situations in the outside environment. They may feel hurt, guilt , shame etc. Children need an emotional holding and engagement to share their subtle emotions. When they miss this from their parents they develop mistrust in relationship and have fear of forming closer relationships as they grow into adults. These children feel that they are not wanted and come to conclusions like “Life is hard” and these beliefs interfere the ability to enjoy the process of life. Parent can only find out when children feel neglected by building a trusting and engaging relationship with the child.
I have written about the 6 styles of nurturing. What is good for the overall development of the children to mature into happy adults are the assertive and supportive styles of parenting. I quote the few lines of the poet Kahlil Gibran as a tribute to parents who nurture their children in the right spirit.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
I wish you a happy parenting.
