101 stories from the therapy room

(A non-clinical approach to psychotherapy and counselling)

A 26 year old client of mine had just walked out of an abusive relationship. Her boyfriend seemed very loving. He was very affectionate on some days and on others he would turn violent if she didn’t live up to his expectations. She had been putting up with this disturbing behavior of his hoping that one day he may change for the better. But in the end she had decided to walk out. It had been six months since and she was still feeling very upset post the break up.  She was feeling low, she had no interest in her day-to-day life, did not feel like waking up, could not enjoy her favorite activity of swimming or even relish her favourite food.

The client and I decided to be curious to understand and investigate her depressed state of mind. The client said, “It’s good I left that relationship – my parents are happy that I broke off the relationship which did not make me feel safe. I often get angry and accusing messages from my ex-boyfriend and that helps me to reassure myself that I have taken the right decision. I am now free to meet my other friends and open up to new relationships and so many more possibilities to explore. So why am I feeling like I am deep in the well of hell?”

While the client was narrating her state of mind, an image was taking shape in my mind. Such images are transfers of non verbal communications between the client and therapist. They carry a great potential for breakthroughs.  So, I requested the client’s permission to share the image that was surfacing in my mind.

The client was willing to listen to my thoughts hoping to get some insight. Initially, I thought I would share the image verbally, however, I felt a demonstration would give the client a better idea of what I was trying to communicate. I stood up from my chair and I became the image – head down; drooped shoulders, upper back folded inwards. In this posture, I walked back and forth in the room. Then, I shared how I felt while walking like that “I feel like a victim and I am ashamed.” The client said, “This is exactly how I feel on the inside and I don’t know why I’ve been feeling this way over such  a long period of time.

This is a question not only for this client, but it’s something we all need to ask ourselves, “Why do we stay in a certain state of mind, when we know it’s unhelpful?”

While I was helping the client look for an answer to this question, I was reminded of a quote by Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk – “People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown they prefer suffering that is familiar.”

Dear readers, while I help unravel my client’s state of mind and her reasons to stay with it for a long time, why don’t you reflect on the same – what are some of your own sufferings that you repeatedly experience? How long do you stay with it and why?