101 stories from the therapy room

(A non-clinical approach to psychotherapy and counselling)

In the previous article we acknowledged that all of us may get stuck in a certain state of mind and find it difficult to move away from that suffering. The client recalled that her way of suffering as a victim dates back to a very young age. The same state of mind from her childhood, of being a victim, was activated when she broke up with her boyfriend.

We decided to be curious together and donned our Sherlock Holmes hats to investigate and understand the reason behind her feeling like a victim for a long period of time. We were able to trace this familiar distress to points in time when she felt like she made the wrong decision. The client was then able to connect this to her mother. The client’s mother would never allow her to make choices of her own from a very young age. The high intensity of control that her mother yielded in her childhood, resulted in the client struggling to make any kind of choice, even if it was to decide what she wanted to wear or where she wanted to go or who she could be friends with.

Rebelling was the only way she knew how to make her own choice. She would make the choice to act below her mother’s radar – she would skip school to watch movies with friends or sneak out during school to have fun. Unfortunately these decisions were not viable for her as she often got caught and her mother would get upset with her and would reinforce her rules and her control over her. The client said that usually after such an event, she would remain in “victim-hood” for a long time. 

The client and I were able to identify the reason for “victim-hood” being the client’s preferred type of suffering. She had made the choice to start a relationship with her ex. The breakup meant that the relationship was a failure and that she had chosen wrongly and she relives the same old feeling again. While it was a relief to know the reason behind the familiarity of her state of mind, we still had to figure out how to wriggle out of this. So we decided to take the investigation one step further to find a solution together. 

I had an idea to go back to the image I had described earlier and decided to enact it differently. The client was open to go forward in this direction – so I walked the “victim walk” but gave words to it. As I walked (body bent forward, shoulders slouched and neck down) I said, “If I stay upset long enough and show that I am in pain for making the wrong choice, my mother will feel bad for me and I will be spared from her anger and disappointment.” My narrative of her “victim-hood”  struck  a chord with her and for the first time she was able to understand why she fell into victim-hood this often.

She remembered always getting into this state after her mother got upset about something she did. When the mother sees her daughter upset, she would say, “It’s okay. Don’t make such mistakes again” and the client would feel relieved. A coping mechanism which originated when she was very young continued on even at the age of 26. The client stayed in the victim-hood long enough to hear her mother tell her. “It’s okay. You made a mistake by choosing this boy. But now you can get on with life.” This state of suffering was also a way for her to communicate with the mother – “I made a mistake by not listening to you, however you are so important to me that I am suffering because I regret upsetting you”

Now that we know the cause of her suffering, what we need to do next is to find ways to break free from this habit …

Last time we asked the readers to reflect on what some of your own sufferings are that you repeatedly experience. Why don’t we reflect further – what is it that you want to tell others or what do you want others to hear from others when you find yourself re-experiencing the same feelings? What helps you feel better?