101 stories from the therapy room

(A non-clinical approach to psychotherapy and counselling)

My 40 year old client was discussing certain relationship difficulties he was having with his wife. He said that his wife is like a lawyer cross-examining the intentions of all his actions. He gave a hypothetical example – “If we were to witness an accident, I am the kind of person who will try their best to help the person injured or in need of help. But my wife, like a lawyer, will argue that I only went to help the person because I am interested in getting a good name – that I only help others for some  reward. In turn, I will argue to prove my point, giving examples of other instances to show what kind of a person I am. I don’t give up until I convince her that I am not the person she perceives me to be.”

I asked my client, “Now, who is the lawyer here?”

The client did not expect this question and he went into a reflective mode.

The Therapist’s reflection:

It seemed to me that my client was the one being a lawyer, always arguing with his wife – but he was projecting that she was the one arguing.

My question “Who is the lawyer?” opened up something for the client and we laughed. He said, “I think I am also equally a lawyer in these arguments.” We decided to explore his need to argue. 

I suggested to the client to get in touch with the discomfort that gets triggered by his wife’s statement. This led to the surfacing of a past memory of when he used to be bullied by classmates in his school. His classmates would comment on him being from a different economic class and would also make fun of his inability to talk confidently. This made him feel ashamed. The client proved his worth during the debate competition with them. He never let go of a chance to participate in debate competitions. He became a great debater and won a lot of prizes. He was using the same debating skills with his wife but it was not working to bring any peace in their relationship.

With this awareness,  he said, “I am still debating” and after a long pause he continued, “I can be open to what she says too.” He felt a relief then because this insight towards a change in action could save a lot of energy that gets used up in the process of debating, then withdrawing, followed by the feeling of being attacked, feeling helpless and sleepless. Being open and listening to each other could help the client and his wife be close. 

In this session we worked on the client projection, “my wife is a lawyer”. The insights he had through the session helped him – 

1. Take responsibility for his actions, “I am the one who is arguing but I’m blaming my wife” 
2. Understand how the skill he honed earlier in life to debate was turning against him.

These insights also opened up a new option for the client to test new possibilities in his relationship with his wife.